MY BELLY
My belly is a flowerpot.
I sit here, cradling it
between my arms and it nestles
in the crooks of my elbows.
But I don’t like the way the flower looks, distended
and bulging. It is too big.
I could wrap it up
or cut a slit,
drain the extra sap from it —
but that would be cheating.
They tell me to take the flower pot
and run until the head, too heavy,
drops off — petal by red petal.
I sit here, cradling it
between my arms and it nestles
in the crooks of my elbows.
But I don’t like the way the flower looks, distended
and bulging. It is too big.
I could wrap it up
or cut a slit,
drain the extra sap from it —
but that would be cheating.
They tell me to take the flower pot
and run until the head, too heavy,
drops off — petal by red petal.
Still everyday I water this flower and I
can’t
stop.
can’t
stop.
- Bursting Seams, Jollin Tan
(I keep thinking and thinking and thinking of how awkward I will be if I ever find someone who will look at me like I'm enough for him because what if he wraps his arms around my waist and realizes that I'm layers and layers and layers of "not enough" - what do i do with my hands, where do i place them so he won't realize these layers and will he still look at me like i'm enough????????? they keep telling me to run run run run exercise stop eating so much that sometimes and sometimes more than just sometimes, i catch myself thinking that i am succumbing to what they think and what they want. I start being so damn self-conscious of the double digit number on the weighing scale because one day i decided to "face up to reality" and step onto that damned thing and now I can't stop. And then I get so angry with myself for feeling this way because I used to have a confidence level of 89 out of a 100 but nowadays it feels like a 40 and sometimes a 20 and the worst thing is I'm feeling this way even though I told myself i would never ever be upset with myself over this. i still think beauty should not be defined this way and i still think one should not be defined by that number or by the thickness of one's waist but i can't help but feel so angry with the amount of excess i hold in my hands when i sit down and i start worrying and being thankful how i do not have a boyfriend because then he would feel and know about this part of me i never want anyone but me to see when i look into the damn mirror and i don't even know because I never used to be like that but now i feel the real me fading away and all i want is to feel and be like the person i was a year ago)
(and also, I am getting so so tired of some people and so tired of having to be cheerful and happy all the time like a bright yellow sunflower when sometimes all i feel like is grass and all i want to do is stay at home and not care about making others happy or having to listen to their problems do you understand????? then there's the part of me that's always telling myself how selfish and hypocritical i am to be thinking this way when the other part of me is always struggling to say that i am a person too i am allowed to have mood swings allowed to be sad allowed to not care
idk i'm not even able to get angry without people thinking that "wah you usually don't get angry or sad" but most of the time I just want to stop time and freeze everything and scream and shout and idk just stomp around till i feel tired and better)
(and also, I am getting so so tired of some people and so tired of having to be cheerful and happy all the time like a bright yellow sunflower when sometimes all i feel like is grass and all i want to do is stay at home and not care about making others happy or having to listen to their problems do you understand????? then there's the part of me that's always telling myself how selfish and hypocritical i am to be thinking this way when the other part of me is always struggling to say that i am a person too i am allowed to have mood swings allowed to be sad allowed to not care
idk i'm not even able to get angry without people thinking that "wah you usually don't get angry or sad" but most of the time I just want to stop time and freeze everything and scream and shout and idk just stomp around till i feel tired and better)
