i love how real i am around you
we had the GO!SH programme last week and TA presented Oedi to the year 4s (or rather, those who came to watch). Yifeng, Natania and Kaili were busy promoting our show before that and running around in their costumes getting people to watch us but when yifeng kept trying (or forcing) me to get out there I just refused. I told him I didn't have confidence but honestly that was an excuse. It makes me so frustrated and disappointed in myself because the real reason was that I did not want to make a fool of myself by running around the 5th and 6th floor wrapped in bedsheets and shouting out loud. Can you believe it? I felt embarrassed of my friends, and of what we were doing. I knew it was wrong to think that way but I just couldn't stop feeling that way and even after the whole thing ended I kept thinking about it and the more I reflected the more disgusted and conflicted I felt. Even now, despite all the guilt, I can still tell you that I wouldn't want to be part of them, parading around the level. What is wrong with me?
I like my cca, I enjoy drama, it's one of the only few things I feel passionate and confident about. But I think what YZ said to me last year sort of changed things because she made it seem like being in drama was "uncool" and "not popular". Then what exactly is the issue with me? I don't even care about popularity, I scoff at those who try to fit in, but is there the inherent desire in me to fit in as well? What is wrong?
but anyway, that aside, our first show was a success because we managed to get quite a number of y4s to fill our blackbox. I felt the adrenaline and excitement and jitters and that was our best run yet. You see? I love performing, I love it when the lights come on when I'm onstage, I love the rush of adrenaline, I love the audience's laughter, I love the applause, I love it I love it I love it
So I really don't understand why I felt that way then.
the 2nd run was a flop though, we only had our batchmates and one y4 guy watching us, and I don't know if it's because most of the y4s skipped the 2nd half of GO!SH (like what others have been saying) or if it's because they weren't interested in us at all but meh whatever
ok after talking so much I realised I haven't got to the main point yet. Miss Hidayah, Mrs Vora and Ms Sangeetha watched our 1st run and they enjoyed it so much hehe I heard/ saw Miss Hidayah laughing out loud so many times and the best part was when Ms Sangeetha came up to me at the end and she took my hand and I was like shit what's wrong is she gna ask me why I didn't join the rest in promoting or what?!? But she took my hand and looked me in the eye and said "Where has this talent been all the while? Why have you been hiding it all this while when I took you in year 3 and year 4? You are a revelation, both you and Yifeng were so, so, so good, but I saw Yifeng acting in your SYF play so I already knew he was good, but you, you are a revelation. I could see all your talent and passion up there and I want you to never stop pursuing drama, even after senior high, even after you graduate. What I saw there was real acting and it was incredible. Thank you for calling me to watch this, thank you Chiyin"
yep
I felt like crying because it meant so much and if you're wondering how I managed to type all that out especially when she said it to me last week, her words stayed in my head all day so I jotted them down on a piece of paper before I could forget.
