I think we are too complicated for our own good, really. Sometimes I lie on my bed, and I start thinking about loads of things, and it's quite a scary thing. There's nothing to stop you from thinking, or exploding with thoughts when you're alone. A few hours, days, months and maybe even years of feelings, thoughts and reflections start to chase you down. It's like they've been hiding behind a pillar all this time, waiting to pounce on you, and when they do, they don't go away. They stay by your side, and slowly but surely, loneliness and sadness envelope you, taking away every ounce of happiness you once had. You can't help yourself, you're falling into an abyss and yet, there's nothing you can do. It's frightening, but it overwhelms you, you want to think more. And when you do, things get even worse. You feel helpless and pathetic, because you can't even help yourself.
What have I done? Why did this happen? Was it something I did that made things turn out this way?
Sometimes I wish I was perfect. I don't have to be society's version of "perfect", I just want to feel perfect in my own way. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to stand up to my views, even if it meant offending the whole world. Sometimes I wish I had the happiness in me to last a lifetime. Sometimes I wish I was more efficient, hardworking and that I'd get consistent grades all the time. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so forgetful, maybe then I wouldn't forget important people and dates.
There are just too many "sometimes" and "if"s in our lives, they're ridiculous. Yet again, it's even more ridiculous that we worry ourselves with these superficial things, when in fact they don't matter. But there's this little voice in all of us that tells us that these things do matter. We have to live up to them, or there'll be dire consequences. As a result, many of us place a mask over our face, blocking out all emotions from getting the better of us. We don't want Loneliness, Depression, Sadness, Envy, and all the other bad guys from haunting us time and time again. But when they launch an attack on us all at once, we cry. Sometimes we don't even know why we're crying, or that we're even crying. There's this feeling in that brittle heart of ours, it's just as if someone's threatening to smash it into 2, but you can't do anything to stop him.
And all at once, you know what you want. You miss Laughter, Memories, Happiness, and everything else you've forgotten over time. There are days when you reach home after a long day out, and you'd yell "What's for dinner!", "Is there anything to eat?" or "I gotta poo!". On even better days, you find yourself prancing around the house, chuckling to yourself with every stupid thing you do, simply because you're happy. But today, you don't feel like pretending. You slip off your shoes without a word, and all you want is some time to be alone. You need a beautiful place to escape from this cruel, harsh world.
However, sometimes what we really need is a firm hug from somebody to tell you everything's going to be okay, even if you know they're not. You need reassurance from somebody to know that you aren't alone. You want somebody to understand and stay with you, so the pain will go away. The presence of someone else makes things better.
You see, things don't always get better. Some do, but some don't. What you fight for, believe in, what you love, do you really? Or is it just out of habit?
