^_^

Hello all :-) I am back!!!!! (kinda, not really, but still on the way)

I just had a major self-reflection session in the shower just now. (not at the mirror) Okay just so you know, I spend close to an hour every night in the toilet haha, please don't ask me how :p Just to add on, I shower for an average of 7 to 10 minutes at most so I'm not one of those people who are responsible for wasting our nation's water supply. (you're prolly going "tmi chiyin, tmi" now but i've no idea why I started on my bathing habits lol)

~ back to the point ~

this is probably going to turn out really long but I decided to do this before I lost the feels, and also to update this old place before it turns out all sappy and forgotten. So... here goes :)

Recently, I've been complaining a lot about how so many people are slowly changing into people they are not, and in a more direct manner, they're impressing others and behaving like someone they're not simply to climb the social ladder. Maybe it's because I'm a rather sensitive person, but it bothers me because some are my friends and they don't see it but I do and others do too. While I acknowledge the fact that change is constant and is somewhat happening or will happen to everyone, I hate (yes, I hate) the fact that they're becoming pretentious people who care so much about what others think about them so much so that they're losing themselves, and I'm losing them too. I find it harder to connect and agree with them, I start seeing their flaws, I start detesting them for behaving this way, and then I get angry with myself for lacking the guts to be direct and I hate myself for being a bad friend because after all, true friends accept you for who you are - flaws, strengths, and everything else.

I still haven't found a solution to feeling this way though.
But that's okay, I'll figure it out soon :P

On a more positive note (and starting on the whole reason of this post), I feel like I've just stepped off a rollercoaster of emotions. For the whole of the past month and perhaps even before that, I feel like I was plunged into some hole of sadness or something, I have NO idea. And then just a week ago I decided to get my shit together and stop feeling this way. Which is also why I started the post with "I'm back!!!" And then I added the "kinda" and "in a way", because well although I haven't reached the stage of being the person I was a year ago, I'm getting closer :-)))

so here's the story haha. It's going to be really raw and wow I don't think I'll ever have the courage to type something so honest but wellllll here's to impulse :-)

For my entire life up to sometime in year 3, I never knew the existence of abs. Believe it or not. I knew of 6 pecs but I always thought only guys could get them and never had I imagined girls could or were expected (in a way) to have abs in order to be called "toned"/ "fit"/ "hot". I always thought being fit and healthy meant eating salad, jogging and exercising in general. I never bothered going to the gym or thinking about the gym because to me, it was for a place for tough, intimidating looking guys to be at. Swimming was always about having fun, splashing around with my cousins pretending we were mermaids - it was never once associated with losing weight. I had reaaaallly bad eating habits though, but it never occurred to me that it was abnormal or not allowed because I was pretty happy and proud (haha) of my ginormous appetite. I used to eat upsized meals at Macs in primary school almost 2x a week after school, I could down 7 of the triple kit kat bars after school, and I could finish the entire pack of "wang wang" biscuits in just one sitting. In secondary school, I used to eat 1 egg mayo with cheese/ 1 chicken pie, 1 hot dog with tomato + mayo + cheese, 1 ice lemon tea and sometimes 1 cup of ice-cream at the cafe for lunch/ recess. Please don't ask me how i managed to do that in 30 minutes, I look back and wonder HOW too. And then there were the Sundays @ Parkway Parade - I'd have one mos burger meal + 1 extra fish burger because I looooooved their fish burgers and I still think their fish burgers beat macs' fillet-o-fish HANDS DOWN. Haha.

now before this turns out into some massive recollection of the past, just to let you know, I kinda planned what to type out while showering so I was really really excited after bathing and immediately switched on the comp but now it feels like I'm just typing whatever comes into my head first, I'm terribly sorry if it ends up being incoherent :p

So in year 3, I started being aware of how girls wanted abs, skipped meals etcetc but it never really bothered me because I didn't know enough to care. I didn't disagree with them or support them - I minded my own business. I had the "oh it's ok you can do whatever you want as long as you're happy with it" mindset and never did losing weight cross my mind. Here's another evidence to show how incredibly ignorant or innocent (you decide) I was - I had no idea that girls had different waist sizes. I always thought we were built to be proportionate, so if you were taller you'd naturally have broader shoulders and a bigger body and I thought it was natural. Choosing a bigger sized pair of shorts off the shelf simply meant comfier shorts, and never did it occur to me that it meant a thicker waist. I always thought every girl had a belly and no one had a completely flat one because that only existed on dolls and girls on posters. So yup.

I guess you could say I was the biggest fan of food. I loved it and whatever I liked in particular, I had 2 portions of it. No joke.

Then in year 4 I started becoming more aware about insecurities and I developed this mental shield that I'd never ever feel insecure about myself. I was headstrong and stubborn about my views that girls should not be defined by their weight and that beauty was defined by the way one carried oneself, one's morals, and the way one treated others. I was a pretty confident individual - I hated society's stereotypes and I made sure I never changed myself simply to fit into the category of "pretty".

Then things kinda changed during the Nov/ Dec holidays. My bro is a rugby player in his school and he lost a lot of weight through training. My dad used to be a weightlifter and he was reeaaaallly sporty back in his teenage days. My mum was a tracker/ ODAC member and she was involved in modelling too. I have no idea what happened to the genes haha. So the only ones who led the major sedentary lifestyles AKA sloth lives were my current p5 bro and I. (Maybe my aunt too but she's excused because she's rather careful about what she eats) During the holidays, my mum would go to the park to exercise daily and my dad would jog around the entire estate coming back dripping in sweat when he was around and not overseas. He's does karate too, so within a short while he lost weight and became fitter. My mum became more toned, I guess. But in my eyes she's always been slim so.... I'm not really sure haha. Anyway (I'M RLY FOND OF TELLING GRANDMOTHER STORIES HAHAHA SORRY) my family started picking on me and telling me how I ought to lose weight and that it wasn't good to be like that because "you know if you don't do something about body now you won't be slim next time????" and my bro would go "wah jie your thighs are damn big" or "omg you're damn fat" or "is that your..... okay nevermind." So yeah, during dinner my dad would see me reaching out for a certain dish and he'd tell me the cons of eating it etc etc and it really annoyed me but I didn't say anything because my dad's a rather headstrong person and he doesn't like us talking back. One day I flared up and shouted at my bro and talked back to my dad and the responses were really different I guess. My bro got the hint and cut down on the insults and my dad said I was running away from reality. (i love my dad a lot though, he's really caring and he loves us a lot just that it got really overwhelming)

My family kinda forced my to start running so one evening just to shut them up I took out my mum's track shoes & jogged around the estate even though I'd avoid the main road because I was (and still am) very aware of the way I run HAHA. For a while I actually thought I was starting to enjoy running but ok I take it back now. So around that time, I stepped onto the weighing scale on my own accord for the first time in my life. (I'm not exaggerating)

My initial reaction was "ok........." I didn't really care but I continued running anyway. Then I kinda lost some weight for a while so I realized that hey, losing weight feels good. But after school started I completely did not have time to run or exercise and I started being very very aware of my eating habits and my weight. Weighing myself became a habit - something I dreaded yet still did. I started counting calories subconsciously, and I started skipping meals at certain points of time. There was one day where I stepped onto the scale and BAM I put on 3 kg and here comes the really honest bit. I have noooo idea why but I ended up crying and when I stopped I realized I was crying over something I told myself I never would previously and ended up crying again. I started noticing everything about my body - my thighs, my tummy, my jaw, everything. I began to become self-conscious of the way my thighs looked from afar or while I was walking, and I hated my body. I hated my broad shoulders, my thighs, my arms.... you name it. I compared myself to my friends and I always felt insecure and inferior.

The worst thing was that I didn't want anyone to know. I googled 'how to lose 5 kg in a week', 'how to lose weight quickly' and I googled to find out how many calories there were in everything I ate before I put it into my mouth. I hated the person I was becoming and I hated how I didn't appreciate myself. I was ashamed of it and the fact that I was so different from the person I was or wanted to become.

ok now I've reached a point where I don't quite remember what I was supposed to type but the thing is, things are getting better :-) I don't know how I did it but I've managed to get myself out of that phase haha. I still jump rope every weekend (and I'm getting better at it!!!!!! HAHA) and I still google how to lose weight healthily, and I still do take note of calories, and there still are days where i feel like utter shit, but it's getting better :-)

my point is, the trick to happiness is to be happy with yourself and to make yourself happy. Realize that the only person you need to fully please is yourself. Stop being so self-conscious about everything and start psycho-ing yourself into seeing the beauty in you. Really, stare at yourself in the mirror and look at your features and DON'T U DARE to be humble and say you aren't pretty. I strongly believe in being humble but when it comes to this, look at yourself and acknowledge your strengths. When you accept your flaws, you turn them into your strengths :-) And also, if you feel like you're slowly losing yourself in the midst of the popularity, attention or self-hate, anchor yourself. Cut yourself from people and social networking sites if you have to, and think of the person you used to be. Stop climbing social ladders because c'mon in 2 years we're all out of the school and the only people you'll ever keep in contact are the ones who have always stuck by you.

omg I feel like I'm a completely changed person from my previous blog post(s) but it feels so so so good to be overwhelmed with positivity again :-)))))))))))))))))))))) and I think I've figured out the person I am and in a way "found myself" hehe. Also just to share some things which have made me really really really happy recently:

1. Fiona and I talked and we went home together
2. My skirts arrived
3. My family
4. Marcus, Kennedy, Clarence
5. DHTA
6. I MANNED UP AND MY IMPULSIVENESS LAST WEEK RESULTED IN STH THAT MADE ME VVV JUMPY AND HAPPY

:-)
i hope everyone has a good good week ahead
(even tho i have to wake up at 545 tomorrow lmao)