Hello!! It's 2am on Friday morning and I am so, so, SO happy. I feel like I've got lots and lots of fuzzy balls of excitement running through me. Okay not a very good description but I've got work to do and I'm just spilling everything/ anything that comes to my mind because I need to get back to my work but I don't want to forget this feeling. I'm running on adrenaline/ happiness now and I am so awake. I haven't felt this happy in a long time especially since I've been feeling rather mopey and bitter for the past few days. I was thinking a lot about how I felt like loose fitting puzzle piece and how much of a misfit I felt at times, but I feel so alive(!!!!) and so incredibly happy tonight:> I was just talking to trina last night about how I felt like I was just floating in uni. I've met a lot of people, gotten to know them, talked to them enough to guarantee a "hi" or a smile from them when we walk by each other, but when it comes to really, really, really knowing a person well enough to say that he/she is my "friend', I end up eliminating a whole bunch of people. In fact, the only people from uni I feel like I truly know and feel completely comfortable around are: Dylan, Thaddy, Tchea Yu and Zhen Ye. So last night I was thinking about it and i couldn't help but wonder if it was pathetic to only have so few people I felt this way towards. Then I felt upset with myself for even thinking this way because I have always found it completely okay to have few friends. So why the heck was I even doubting the number of friendships I'd managed to forge since school started?????????
Yup.
And then I got even angrier with myself because technically, in all honesty, I let myself drift way too easily and I detach myself from people I feel I can't click with. I don't give myself and people chances. I asked Dylan about it the other day when we walked to Clementi and he told me there wasn't anything wrong with not wanting to be around people I felt like I couldn't be myself around. Then I thought about it more and one part of me wondered if I was just being too quick in shortchanging myself when it comes to making friends. The other part of me, the one that prioritizes me-time and my personal feelings, kept insisting that it was okay to follow my instincts and how I feel (aka, its okay to leave the moment I feel muted or if I feel like I have to behave in a certain way that isn't me). Conflicting thoughts in my head left me really unhappy and silly all at once so it wasn't a really good week I'd say.
But I met Ben/ Rory/ Natania and Choo yesterday. We had dinner at Tembu before going to UCC to watch Ran's play, and for the few hours we had at dinner and sitting in a circle on the floor doing nothing but listen to Ben's sass and just talking, it didn't feel like school anymore. It felt like the old days in the black box or at Just Acia where Ben would throw pink pickles across the table. I miss having people I can talk to, people I can strip myself bare and feel completely comfortable with, and people who don't make me feel like I'd very much rather be alone (I love me-time by the way, and I'm a firm believer of how being alone does not equate to being lonely). For the longest time, I felt like I was asking for too much in uni -- maybe I was having too idealistic thoughts, maybe I was seeking too much in a friendship. Maybe my idea of what a friendship entailed wasn't the norm. Don't get me wrong -- being around Thaddy and Dylan (I see them the most) makes me very very happy indeed. I'm super thankful for them and I think I'm truly very lucky to have met them, but how do I put it -- I wanted a group of people I could feel a part of.
But you see, the mega big problem is that for some absolutely strange and unexplainable reason, I have more guy friends than girl friends. And there's something very different about having girl friends as opposed to guy friends. Since we're being completely honest about my current social situation, let's go all out. I'm not even going to try sugar-coating my words or making myself seem less pathetic(?)/ alone(?)/ desperate(?) than I've been feeling these days (note: these days, haha). The thing about girls is that once the clique has formed, there is little to zero chance of anyone penetrating the clique. It's kinda like missing the ship once it sails away from the harbour. And I rarely ever find girls who I can connect with, y'know????????????????? I am frustrated with myself. But yea, when I actually do find girls I can connect with, they already have their cliques :-( And to be very honest, I do want girl friends I can do girly things with LOL. I wanna have sleepovers and I wanna bake stuff cook stuff paint nails explore makeup blah blah blah too
LOL
And I was counting the number of girl friends I actually have in my life -- Trina, Jamie, Amanda, Natania, Fiona, Xuanzhu and Peng. Although I'm not really sure about Alicia Peng because she's my cousin and I'm 3 years older but we're as close as sisters. SO I'm not sure if it even counts as a girl friend, LOL. And then we have the 3 musketeers, as my family affectionately refers to Kennedy Marcus and Clarence as. The prideful 19 year old me had a tough time admitting to myself that I don't actually have a girl friend in uni. Honestly it doesn't seem like a huge problem but living on campus made me really want to have a girl friend to do stupid shit with LOL. Basically I can't have sleepovers with Thaddy or Dylan or Zhen ye and when I tell them how I feel they CRINGE before giving me advice that honestly honestly honestly are not as reliable as compared to advice that girls give girls. If you get what I mean.
SoOOOOOOOOO yea. My conversation with Yifeng on the train ride home (I really needed that time with him) comprised largely of me telling him how I felt and asking him what I ought to do. One of his advice was to join okcupid with him and L but indicate my interest as girls and then clarify by saying that I was looking for a girl friend and not a girlfriend. Lol. But okay, he gave me some A+ advice after that and the convo with Trina made me feel a ton better:-))))))
Okay I still haven't got to the gist of things. So today, we had house comm gathering at 10 in the lounge because we had to collect money for IHG Saturday. Ended up staying in the lounge all the way until 1:30 while snacking on oreos and my grapes because I was having a long convo with Ming en and Yexin and for the first!!! time!!!!!! in ages, I felt the same sparks of electricity (???? idek man I'm just saying whatever comes to my mind bc it's 2:48 and i'm STILL not done typing) I always get whenever I'm excited and words spill out of my mouth because I'm just that happy/ invested in a conversation. AND Yexin got it -- she got how I was feeling and ahh the atmosphere was so nice in the lounge bc before that we were all being loud and it was the nice kind of loud, not the kind of loud that silences some. We were all looking for the hidden bird in $5 notes an the smallest font in the $2 notes and Keyu was drawing on the board and omg boy did I feel SO ALIVE
I'm still excited thinking about it. My fingers are typing this at crazy speed and I wish my thoughts came as quickly as they are coming now when it comes to the essays I have to write and questions I have to formulate for class participation.
So yea!!! And then Weitao came in again for the last half an hour and I told him I wanted our floorball team to have dinner together because I found out that next week was gonna be our last practical. Told Desmond (our teacher??? tutor????) that it was very sad cos we were juuuust starting to get to know everyone :( But yea, I was just telling Yexin about how I felt that in uni it's so hard to find people you can connect with and if you DO find people like that, you gotta hold on tight and fight for the friendship. LOL so dramatic now that I think about it but ya those were the words I said there and then
And so Weitao joined the convo and ahhhhhhh the three of us sat at the table and had a rather insightful and enjoyable convo that left me feeling all warm inside :> the rest were playing monopoly and even then it felt so cozy and just.........right. I told them about Marcus Kennedy Clarence and my 2 year-old dream of starting a youtube channel to vlog (LOL) and Ming en said I could name it "Chilling with Chiyin". And!!!!! Okay this is quite embarrassing but I actually quite like it when my floorball team still calls me "chichi" because of that one incident where I fell on court and they thought Junhao called me Chichi when it was actually just Chiyin. No I do not like the name Chichi because it reminds me of a dog's name but how do I put it?????? it does bring a homely feeling when they keep saying it. Haha.
hMMMMM everything's sort of a whirl in my head because I have so many things to say but I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I guess this is why Jamie says I'm good at telling grandmother stories because when I tell my friends about that ONE incident in a day I have to tell them everything -- who what when why how -- haha. I can't help it though! I really can't help it when I get all excited about what I'm saying:> I think the best part was when Ming en told me he was very happy at the end of it all when hcomm was leaving the lounge together.
And then I met Tchea yu and we studied at resource together until 20 minutes ago when she left because she was too sleepy. Okay she studied because I've been typing this since then and I AM STILL DOING THIS. CHI YIN YOU NEED TO GET OFF ASAP AND START ON LEGIT WORK. But yea Tchea Yu makes me so incredibly happy and she's a really really REALLY genuine, compassionate, bubbly girl and I always feel SO LIFTED when i'm in her presence :))))))) But sadly she already has her girl clique and girl cliques are impossible to infiltrate once they've formed. Haha. But she's so kind and she's so sincere that she's always inviting me to join them and I do enjoy the dinners/ lunch/ WR sessions with her. ^^ Her happiness is infectious I swear. PETITION FOR MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER IN THE WORLD PLEASE. PLEASE
I told her about my wishlist I wanna fulfil in RVRC and she was so ready and keen to do them with me ahhh I'm so thankful so grateful so lucky to have met her. Okay so I guess my situation isn't as bad as I perceived it to be because I have really met so many good people I wanna keep in my life. And yea I still believe strongly in fighting to keep people in your life because if there's anything I've come to realise so far since school started, it's that people can come and go in uni but if you do feel like you click with someone, hold on to him/her!!!!!!!!!!!
And it also feels good that my friendship with Nicholas is a lot smoother now (???? can't find a better word again but yea). For a long time things were a little awkward and all but things are way better now!!!!!
okay bye!!! abrupt ending but I figured that if I wanna do actual work and catch some sleep before my 8am class tomorrow, I HAVE TO STOP RAMBLING
things that have made me happy this week:
1) having yifeng and Ben over at NUS
2) train ride home with yifeng
3) the hour long convo with trina over whatsapp and knowing that she's been having 6-8 hours of sleep in uk and that she's happy
4) Managing to spend Wednesday night at home
5) floorball today
6) house comm meeting today
7) the conversation I had on D2 (i think?? or was it D1) with a girl from Korea and her Malaysian friend -- they asked me for directions to utown from KR because the Malaysian girl was bringing her korean friend around SG. We ended up talking about poetry and books and food in Singapore because I was reading Stag's Leap prior to our exchange.
8) Walking to Clementi mall with Dylan and then getting my grapes at Sheng Siong
9) having Thaddy and Best senior in the lounge today
:> i guess all the good things eclipse the bad after all.
