the toilet is where
i peel off layer upon layer
of cloth
and skin.
the toilet is where
buttons come loose
zips are undone
hooks are unclasped
and i become
the person i see in the mirror —
fluid —
curves, dents, slopes, rolls.
i spill, i leak, i clean up.
only this time, I don’t forget
to breathe.7/10/16:
found a certain kind of peace within myself today so I edited this. Sometimes it hits me again and sometimes I fill myself with so much self-loathe. Maybe it's because my mind's been occupied and maybe it's because I barely have time to think about it, but I'm just grateful it
9/10/16:
left things hanging, didn't complete my sentence. Hmm. It's 5am now and my eyelids are really really really heavy but I'll give myself 5 more minutes before I head to sleep and give myself 4 hours of undisturbed rest. When I wake up it's going to be a rush of things to do and complete but I don't actually have any rights to complain because I left things to the last minute. Again. Sigh :( I wanted to finish everything by Sunday night so badly but it's already Sunday morning and I am nowhere near done with my list of responsibilities.
- pause because I forgot what I came here for -
I was thinking about it on the train the other day about the kind of person I was and the kind of person I wanted to be. I think I operate on extremes -- if I care about something, I invest in it completely. If I do not care about/ for something, I simply don't and can't. It's bad, I suppose, because then I don't put in effort at all, unless of course, I have no choice but to force myself to (in this case, SE1101e which I hate with a burning passion). Oh and I met Chuan Kai for dinner the other day! It's been a very long time, but he was someone I felt really comfortable around during arts camp. I think I spoke the most to him other than Dylan, Zhenye and Nat. Remembered writing a super long note for him on the last day of camp, in which I mentioned how "I hope our friendship will continue to blossom even after camp!!" (CRINGE. I remember pausing after the word "to" because the only word that was in my head back then was "blossom" and I couldn't think of any other synonyms). So yea. I found it quite a pity that the last time I had a conversation with him was during Tweek and it wasn't even a proper conversation because of the circumstances then. I remember a lot of people telling me how plenty of friendships in uni are transient and only on the hi-bye level but I've never bought into that notion LOL. I still don't believe in it. I think friendships will only remain at that level if you leave it as that. Then again, it all boils down to my extreme-way-of-acting-slash-feeling because I've been guilty of leaving friendships at transient levels and sometimes letting friendships slip through my fingers. Anyway, back to the point. I thought about it for quite some time, about whether I should ask for a meal because 1) I was afraid it'd be awkward 2) didn't know how to phrase my message in a way that wouldn't seem too formal and too casual. But I did it anyway and I'm glad I did:> So yup, dinner was good, company was better.
And then I met up with Zhenye and Edward for dinner on Thursday night. That was nice too, because I haven't talked to Zhenye in ages. For quite a long time I've been struggling big time with a serious case of inertia and nonchalance but meeting them was a timely reminder of what I was here for. I really can't wait to get this uni thing over and done with LOL I just want to step into a school again and teach.
Okay thoughts are really incoherent now and I am super sleepy but one last thing -- I think I want to be fluid and hard at some edges but soft at the core. I keep trying to imagine how that'll look like but the only thing my head managed to come up with was an image of slime in a cookie cutter. And I'm pretty sure that is not what I meant. But yea, I want to be fluid and hard and soft all at the same time. Goodnight! (I really, really, really, love rainymood)
9/10/16:
left things hanging, didn't complete my sentence. Hmm. It's 5am now and my eyelids are really really really heavy but I'll give myself 5 more minutes before I head to sleep and give myself 4 hours of undisturbed rest. When I wake up it's going to be a rush of things to do and complete but I don't actually have any rights to complain because I left things to the last minute. Again. Sigh :( I wanted to finish everything by Sunday night so badly but it's already Sunday morning and I am nowhere near done with my list of responsibilities.
- pause because I forgot what I came here for -
I was thinking about it on the train the other day about the kind of person I was and the kind of person I wanted to be. I think I operate on extremes -- if I care about something, I invest in it completely. If I do not care about/ for something, I simply don't and can't. It's bad, I suppose, because then I don't put in effort at all, unless of course, I have no choice but to force myself to (in this case, SE1101e which I hate with a burning passion). Oh and I met Chuan Kai for dinner the other day! It's been a very long time, but he was someone I felt really comfortable around during arts camp. I think I spoke the most to him other than Dylan, Zhenye and Nat. Remembered writing a super long note for him on the last day of camp, in which I mentioned how "I hope our friendship will continue to blossom even after camp!!" (CRINGE. I remember pausing after the word "to" because the only word that was in my head back then was "blossom" and I couldn't think of any other synonyms). So yea. I found it quite a pity that the last time I had a conversation with him was during Tweek and it wasn't even a proper conversation because of the circumstances then. I remember a lot of people telling me how plenty of friendships in uni are transient and only on the hi-bye level but I've never bought into that notion LOL. I still don't believe in it. I think friendships will only remain at that level if you leave it as that. Then again, it all boils down to my extreme-way-of-acting-slash-feeling because I've been guilty of leaving friendships at transient levels and sometimes letting friendships slip through my fingers. Anyway, back to the point. I thought about it for quite some time, about whether I should ask for a meal because 1) I was afraid it'd be awkward 2) didn't know how to phrase my message in a way that wouldn't seem too formal and too casual. But I did it anyway and I'm glad I did:> So yup, dinner was good, company was better.
And then I met up with Zhenye and Edward for dinner on Thursday night. That was nice too, because I haven't talked to Zhenye in ages. For quite a long time I've been struggling big time with a serious case of inertia and nonchalance but meeting them was a timely reminder of what I was here for. I really can't wait to get this uni thing over and done with LOL I just want to step into a school again and teach.
Okay thoughts are really incoherent now and I am super sleepy but one last thing -- I think I want to be fluid and hard at some edges but soft at the core. I keep trying to imagine how that'll look like but the only thing my head managed to come up with was an image of slime in a cookie cutter. And I'm pretty sure that is not what I meant. But yea, I want to be fluid and hard and soft all at the same time. Goodnight! (I really, really, really, love rainymood)
