:(

I don't think it's about what they say or what they think, but rather, what I feel and how I feel about myself. These days I keep noticing my silence in crowds and the more I pay attention to it the more I doubt if it's normal or okay to be like that. And I think and think and think and I stay even more silent when the gears in my head are turning and turning and turning to come up with something/ anything to say. I asked Thaddy and Harvard the other day if they thought I was quiet because just the previous night someone asked someone else why I was so quiet, to which that someone he asked replied "She's always quiet" and it hit me there and then that there was a sourish feeling inside and I didn't quite know what to make of it. The someone asked why I was so quiet in the form of interrogatives and declaratives a total of 3 times, and all 3 times he didn't know I could hear whatever he was saying. He said it with pure and good intentions and he said it with a tone of concern and goodwill, but it made me think so much. I think a lot, about myself/ people/ things and sometimes it isn't very good but that's the whole reason why I can stay in my head for a long time. And I have a bad habit of stopping my sentences midway because my thoughts are complete in my head and I rarely ever speak loud enough to capture people's attention. Sometimes I drown out my own voice and I think that isn't very healthy but sigh. I just..... I just find it so hard to speak up especially when I give zero shits about something or people. The other reason I stay silent is because I very much prefer listening to people talk. I don't know where this is going either but I think I just needed to let it out somewhere. And I think I've figured out why I felt sour. I think it was because I hated how at that moment I looked pitiful to that someone for him to point out how quiet I was. And the more I noticed my silence the more disconnected and pathetic I felt.

It's not like I never ever speak up and go on and on and on about stuff. Jamie Marcus Kennedy Clarence Yifeng Natania know how much of a talker I can be -- they used to say how I'm the master of grandmother stories because I'd go on and on about my day/ anything I was excited about. So I think what Thaddy and Harvard said was true, that I'm not quiet when I'm with the right people

but I just really hate HATE hate how pathetic I can make myself feel. Especially today when I let 2 people's words get in my head and when I consciously made comparisons between myself and others AGAIN