How real do I want to be here? How honest do I want to be? Who exactly am I typing these words for?
Gone are the days I typed with the intention of letting people know what I did/ who I met/ what I bought and gone are the days I clicked on "publish" and watched with anticipation as the views increased. So what exactly am I doing this for now?
I don't know, to be honest. Someone once told me that a person's blog was the best way to get to know him/her. I said no, because people choose what they want to share online, whether on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or on their blogs. I myself have questioned why I keep two Instagram accounts when I say that I am who I am on my main account. If so, what's the point of having ahoypopiah when I already have notchitin? Why do I still need to come on here when I'm already penning my thoughts down on paper???
(Sorry for the verbal vomit)
Anyway, I decided that I'd think of it as leaving messages to the me who's reading this sometime in the future. I always end up scrolling through past posts when I'm conflicted, sad, angry with myself or nostalgic, so I guess that works.
Hello Future Me,
Present Me isn't conflicted, sad, angry or nostalgic. Present Me is at peace, hungry and a little sleepy (I have to wake up early because I'm going back to DHS with Trina!) but I'm going to finish this before sleeping. A LOT OF THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE THE DECEMBER 2016 POST. I repeat, A LOT OF THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
Past Me used to wonder a lot about how my first relationship would go. Past Me used to wonder how it'd end, because somehow along the way I started believing in the (sad) notion that first relationships never last. (If you happen to be a reader who isn't Future Me, please don't buy into this logic! First relationships can last, pfft). Past Me used to think that saying the words "I love you" would come easy, but Present Me knows otherwise now. I realised I can't say the words unless I really, truly mean it, and I hope that Future Me is still as firm about this as Present Me. Don't throw the word "love" around when it comes to people.
Future Me, I hope that as you are reading this, he is still in your life and your friendship is still going strong. Present Me is baffled by how so many people think it's impossible to go back to being good friends with someone you broke up with because of how awkward things will supposedly be. As of now, the two of you are still very good friends and there is no awkwardness between the two of you. I hope you cherish this person and don't take things for granted. I also hope that no matter how many "Future Me"s read this, none of them/me/you (omg pronoun confusion) ever regret the first relationship, because no matter how brief it was, it was warm water and flower petals. For that, I (from now on "I" will replace "Present Me" because it's too long to type....hahahha) am grateful. Also, I hope that for whatever relationships you may or may not have in the future, you always always always remember that you like a person for who the person is even before you choose to be together with him. Long story short, don't lose a person and the friendship you share with him over a romance that didn't work out.
TLDR: I hope that as Future Me is reading this, Future Me is still very very very good friends with him, just like how Present Me is. He is a good person, and a precious friend.
Future Me, if 1.5 years seem excruciatingly long and that's the reason for your overwhelming nostalgic self at who-knows-what-time, this is a gentle reminder to revisit 3/7/16. Remember how you were the one who said that 1.5 years is just 1 Christmas, 1 CNY and 1 birthday. Present Me wants you to know that you are very very very very very very blessed to like and be liked by somebody who has always been here for you. That somebody's unparalleled patience, understanding and kindness is not to be taken for granted. Present Me wants and hopes that you will focus on growing, taking up opportunities and finding your voice in these 1.5 years.
Future Me, you have a tendency of being too comfortable with some friendships. If you are reading this, when was the last time you talked to Jamie? Present Me finally had the courage to confront the issue after so long, so I hope you haven't forgotten the five hour long whatsapp conversation the two of you had. Second chances don't come easy and Present Me hopes that you never make her feel like she's the only one trying in the friendship again. Also, I sincerely hope that even in the future, you are still doing a good job with replying all whatsapp messages and texts - DO NOT GO BACK TO IGNORING OR "FORGETTING TO REPLY" MESSAGES. IT IS BASIC COURTESY TO REPLY!
Future Me, I hope you are at peace with your body, as I am now. This is very important, because Present Me has finally reached a stage where I can stop toxic thoughts from ruling my head the moment I sense them coming, and I am finally at a stage where I think I am beautiful for who I am. Don't destroy this. It took a lot of time, a lot of effort, a ton of self-acceptance to feel the way Present Me feels right now, so don't destroy it.
Remember that depth of character, clarity of thought and the size of your heart is far more important. Always remember that.
Alright, Present Me is going to bed now because it's 2:37am now and the last thing I want to feel in the afternoon/ evening is sleepy. I get to see both Trina and Kennedy later - what a good day it's going to be. :)
