Watched ABTM2 with Clarence, Marcus and Kennedy today after school and I thought it was definitely worth the time and money :) Laughed so much at most of the scenes yet there were also some parts that tugged at my heartstrings. Also, I ate too much popcorn and drank too much ice lemon tea that I literally felt I was going to explode. Decided to skip dinner, and now I'm starving.
.
.
.
I've been thinking through things and I feel that I'm quite unhappy with myself in quite a number of ways. I don't exactly hate myself or any part of myself but I do wish I was the better person I would like to be. I think I'm too selfish, easily jealous, and sometimes I get really upset with people yet I never say it out. I keep it to myself and eventually it all builds up.
Although I'm sort of coping in school, my results are always inconsistent and I only have myself to blame. I fall asleep during lessons and basically my mind's hardly ever around when the teacher is talking. I wake up every morning hating the fact that there's school/homework/tests but I never do anything about it. Normally people would use their weaknesses to improve themselves but for me, my weaknesses just develop into bigger problems. I want to do well and do everyone proud but I lack motivation to carry on.
And, I recently found out how much better a person my brother is compared to me.
-He can play a full song on the piano despite not having had any lessons before, and considering the fact that I actually took up lessons previously yet gave up halfway, shame on me.
-He has training on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays yet he never ever complains. I asked him if he ever hated or regretted choosing his CCA but he said no. What made me reflect more was realizing that he still has to train from bishan all the way to pasir ris, and then take the bus home after every training.
-He started paying more attention to his appearance and build towards the end of last year, and not only did he set goals for himself, he actually stuck with it, even up to now.
-He reaches home at 8plus almost everyday and by the time he's done with his homework and the things he has to do, it's at least midnight. This means he has only 5.5 hours to sleep every night, if he's lucky.
-His eye bags and dark eye circles are getting more obvious overtime, but he never says things like "Whatever, I hate this I give up", which on the other hand, is quite natural if it was coming from me.
Needless to say I'm really proud of him and I always feel happy whenever neighbours or relatives shower him with praises. I like it when they say he's smart, and when they mention little things like "you've lost weight!" because it shows that his efforts has paid off, and I think it makes a whole lot of difference when someone else notices such little things that mean a lot to you.
But these days, I feel that I compare myself to him more frequently, and I don't mean it in the way where I'm jealous of the attention he gets. I mean it in the way where I feel ashamed to be his older sister because I feel that he's way better than me in terms of his character.
I have an extra hour to sleep in on school days but I ALWAYS complain and end up dozing off in class.
I have CCA on Mondays and Fridays and we don't have PT, so who am I to skip PE just because I'm "tired" and I don't feel like doing it?
I give up so easily, and I hardly stick to my goals for long.
Lastly, he's really caring to all my family members and that makes me feel really guilty. I don't really show my appreciation towards my parents although I really do love them, and that's why I understand when they blame me for prioritizing my friends over family at times, even though they will always be of great importance.
But the thing is, I never ever show it, and that's the problem.
It's 12:10 am now and I've done nothing productive tonight. Told myself to sleep at 11 since productivity level was zero, but I switched on the computer. I need more self-control and motivation and discipline.
