nirvana

The 2 Korean girls in the lounge are watching a horror movie and I am deeply amused watching them lift their hands to put the grapes they're holding into their mouth and stopping mid air each time the suspense builds up. Was thinking about it after lunch with Dylan and Lixian today, about how much I've changed since last year. I told Dylan and Lixian how I never dared to speak up in class in Y5/6, how Trina would end up being my voice at times and how Miss Hidayah helped me a great deal by putting me in front of the teacher's desk because she knew I didn't like and didn't dare to voice my opinions in class. Dylan and Xian found it hard to believe, and that's how I feel when I do catch myself speaking up in tutorials/ lessons in general. I like it a lot :> I like how my words don't trip over one another in my head and how I no longer hesitate before speaking up. I really really really do :)) I think this is what Eric meant when he told me on the train a few months ago that "confidence and the courage to speak up is something you can't learn, it's something that will one day come to you naturally and when it does, you'll feel all tingly and warm inside" haha.

Told Xian and Dylan that I felt it was the camps that really made me a lot less shy and more comfortable around people, and that if I had to go through Arts camp all over again, I'd present myself in a completely different way. Then Xian said that she and the other girls actually thought I was quite awkward to be around initially cos I seemed very complex and hard to reach out to :(((( Dylan nodded his head with his usual perverted laughter (his laughter cracks me up all the time so we always end up laughing really loudly together) and I was initially quite surprised because I wasn't expecting that at all. Then I thought about it and agreed because come to think of it..... the only freshies I felt I could really really REALLY connect with and be myself around were Zhen Ye, Dylan, Eugene, Nat and Chelsea. Asked Dylan if he thought I was awkward around him because he was nodding and chuckling away and I honestly thought we clicked from the beginning LOL. The conversation went something like that:

me: "what the!!!! You thought I was awkward around YOU????? I thought we clicked from the beginning!!!"

Dylan: *giggles/ chuckles/ claps hands* "Did you know that studies have shown that mutual feelings in a friendship is usually only one-sided???? *cue perverted laughter and me saying a little too loudly that "YA AND IT'S FROM YOU"* (it doesn't sound very funny when I type it out haha but it was quite a comical situation)

Okay but it turns out that he was just agreeing that I was awkward around the girls, haha. It's not that I intended to but I just wasn't loud enough to put myself out there and I needed more time to warm up, I guess. Anyway, I'm really really thankful that Dylan and I ended up sitting opposite each other on day 1 of camp during lunch at the deck :> I see him almost every day in school and I'm glad I do because being around him always makes me very happy and I love it when he gives me advice. Also glad that I managed to get closer to Lixian ever since school started because she's someone I can be myself around :}

Another thing that made me happy today was the fact that the mixed chinese rice auntie and I had a short convo today!! They had pumpkin so I ordered 2 portions of it and she remembers me because I went up to her and told her "auntie 你么的 pumpkin 很好吃, 我很喜欢!!" when I first tried it 3 weeks ago :)) All the other times I went back we never really managed to talk because she was always busy serving others and we'd only exchange our hellos, so the fact that we managed to do more than that today really made my week:)

I still find it quite a pity how one person has the ability to make or break your day though. Can't wait for the day I won't feel like crap when we bump into each other!!!! Forced smiles and uncomfortable barriers are not my thing at all.